Mar 21, 2010 - desperate and pathetic

by Brittany
(Kenmare, ND, USA)

I try to eat really healthy throughout the day. I eat a healthy breakfast, a healthy lunch, a small healthy snack, and a healthy supper. And i feel full enough and don't want to eat anymore after supper. But sometimes i find myself in front of the cupboard having some sort of snack, that leads to something else which leads to something else. And so on and so forth, until i am absoluetly miserable. Then i feel incredible miserable and consider trying to puke to get rid of the feeling. Because i absoluetly hate feeling full. I recently lost thirty pounds and am finally to where i want to be. So when i binge i feel incredibly guilty and like i'm going to gain it all back. And i hate that feeling. So i swear off all bad foods and swear i'm never gonna binge again. So for a couple days i eat really well and excercise well, although i exercise well everyday binge or not. And then i end up binging again and feeling bad again and the cycle continues. I have no idea what causes my binges; before i lost all that weight i never binged. It just recently started. I am a happy girl, i have a boyfriend i love, i'm good in school, i have a good family, and a few good friends. I just don't understand why i do it. And i would like to, but i don't know who to turn to. And i would like it to stop. Because i don't think i can go through gaining any weight. Why do i do what i do and how do i stop it for good so i am no longer unhappy and don't worry about gaining thrity pounds back and then some.



Matt C replies:


Hi Brittany,

It does sound like you are caught up in a form of the binge/restrict/binge cycle. You say you are eating regularly and healthily throughout the day and that’s great. So stick to that regularity even if you do have a binge.

However, you then say that you “swear off all the bad foods” and that you will never binge again. This is being very hard on yourself, and it is common for people with eating problems to have an ‘all or nothing’ kind of mindset. Sometimes if we try to cut some things out completely, then it seems to make us go to the other extreme and we end up bingeing instead.

Try not to see foods as ‘bad’ or ‘good’, but try to take a more balanced view. If you are eating healthily and exercising regularly like you are, then your body can cope with the occasional ‘treat’ food quite easily.
So instead, you could try to build into your regular routine the occasional ‘treat’ food, and NOT feel guilty about it (so DO have that snack, but have it at a time when you are away from the cupboard so you don’t keep going back for more). Sometimes, for people with eating problems, NORMAL eating can be a good thing to aim for rather than ‘healthy eating’ which brings to mind cutting out this or avoiding that.

Another thing to think about is – can you identify what is going on with you during those times when you do have a binge? This is called identifying our triggers, which isn’t just about the food, its about where we are, who we are with, what we are doing, how we are feeling. See http://www.coping-with-binge-eating.com/causes-of-eating-disorders-psychological.html


If you can identify any patterns then that may help you work out how to deal with it better.

You say that you did not binge before losing weight. And now you sound very frightened of gaining weight again. There are questions here about why you are so fearful of weight gain, and around self acceptance . And you say that you hate feeling full. So what is so bad about feeling full?
These are the type of things that a good counsellor or therapist could help you work out for yourself. It would be lovely if you could just feel comfortable and eat normally without such an intense fear of weight gain.

So where do you to turn to you ask?
You say you are at school, so is there a school counsellor you could ask to speak to in private? Also there are the help organisations like NEDA who have a free helpline 800-931-2237, see our page for other contact details: http://www.coping-with-binge-eating.com/eating-disorder-help.html


Lastly, you say that you have considered trying to make yourself sick afterwards. Please don’t try this as its really no answer and just traps people in an even more destructive habit.

So good luck; be patient with yourself; remember to think about keeping things in balance and striving for normal eating. And post back to let us know how you are getting on!

Matt C