Mar 17, 2010 - Ive got Bulimia - question about eating disorder voice?
by Pauley
(Channel Islands)
Ive been struggling with Bulimia for some years now. I know people talk about eating disorders as if it has a voice. I dont know if thats what I have. I just know I have these thoughts like all the time. About me being fat and how I shouldnt eat and how the food feels disgusting inside me and I want to get rid of it. But I dont want to be this anymore. I want to be like I was before Mia. I was talking to my friend who has known me since we were little and she said that the Bulimia was not who I really am but that I have got sort of lost somehow and that kind of made sense. But its all I think about and I dont know how to stop.
Matt C replies:
Hello Pauley.
You're right, both therapists and those with eating disorders do sometimes talk about the voice of an eating disorder. (This isn't the same thing as 'hearing voices' as in mental illnesses such as schizophrenia)
When we have those destructive thoughts (such as us thinking we should purge what we have just eaten, or that we shouldn't eat at all, or that we are 'fat' or not good enough) it is the eating disorder speaking, and not our true inner selves. This is because an eating disorder is a disease, and NOT our identity.
Being able to start to separate the ED voice from our own can be a really important part of recovery. So how can we do this? Ideally this is something to discuss 1:2:1 with a therapist, but I'll give a few tips here and you can see if they help:
1) Create your own true voice. If we have suffered with an eating disorder for a long time, we can lose all sense of what our own true voice would even sound like. We have become so used to hearing the controlling, critical, or deceivingly 'friendly' but manipulative voice of the eating disorder, that it is difficult to separate ourselves from it.
So instead, imagine what you would like your own voice to sound like. Hear yourself talk to yourself in a warm, genuine, strong, caring and supportive tone of voice. Feel what it feels like to hear this nurturing voice instead of the critical ED voice.
Start to hear your thoughts in your new voice as often as you can.
2) Start to externalise the ED voice. Start to notice when your thoughts are self critical and controlling - recognise that this is the voice of the eating disorder. Notice the tone of this voice. Is it sneering? Harsh? Judgmental? Or perhaps trying to sound like it's your friend but really manipulating you like a bully might do?
Give this voice a name (Ed?) or even give it a face.
Try to identify the repeating, negative messages this voice keeps telling you.
3) Talk back to your eating disorder! Stick up for yourself! You could even write down possible dialogues - if your ED voice says do this or do that, what would your strong, supportive voice say in return? Keep a list of positive responses with you, so that when you hear that ED voice in your mind, or feel those self-destructive feelings, you can refer to your list and listen instead to what your true self would say.
4) After you have 'talked back' to your eating disorder voice (even if just to say "get lost!") now DO something different. It also helps if you have a list of other positive coping strategies to hand (such as going out for a walk; doing some breathing exercises; phoning a friend - whatever works for you) that you can refer to when needed. This will help further divert your attention away from the ED voice.
So, to re-cap:
Develop your own strong, supportive voice
Notice the repeating negative ED voice message
Talk back to it in your own true voice - tell it to get lost!
Do one of your positive coping strategies
Over time, the strength of the eating disorder voice will fade as you pay it less attention.
I hope that's helpful, and I would be interested in hearing what other people think about this. Clearly, this is something you should discuss with your therapist or counselor so you can make sense of it regarding your own personal situation.
Good luck & Good health
Matt C
