Concerned friend

Hello,
I don't have an eating disorder but in need of some advise please! My friend and I started to diet together, trying to loose a few pounds but its gone way further then that and she is really showing some concerning behavior now. All we talk about is food.
We've both lost weight but she doesn't seem to acknowledge this. She talks about loosing a couple of pounds and achieves it then sets her heart to the next few pounds. Shes become almost possessed by food now, not eating meals I've cook her and generally avoiding eating all together unless you count coffee and cigarettes! Her weight now is very low and she is still adamant on loosing more. Her Mother died 2 and half years ago and her brother died a little over a year ago, is this a distraction to that do you think? I don't know how to help her, talking to her doesn't do anything. I've had a look on the site at some of the options but she just aint gonna go for any of them. she flatly refuses to talk to anyone about it as she did before when her mother and brother died. It sounds bad but the best way to talk to her is drunk! She seems happy, not depressed or suicidal, she just doesn't see what shes becoming...a skeleton. I'm worried if I keep on at her shes gonna stop communicating to me all together. Any help with this matter greatly appreciated!




Matt C replies:


Wow, this must be really hard for you!

It's impossible to say whats going on for your friend at the moment - sometimes using control over food is the only way people can feel that they have control over their lives - or whether this is related to repressed emotions and unexpressed grief over all the loss she has experienced - who can say? - and othertimes there is a genuine 'body dismorphia' where the individual quite literally does not see themselves or their body shape the way that other people do.

But what can you, as her obviously very caring friend, do about it?

If someone is really not ready or willing to talk about it, then thats a tough one. You have to tell her gently but firmly what your concerns are without pushing too hard, otherwise, as you are clearly aware, the risk is she may just shut off from you about it. Just make sure she always knows you are ready to listen should she want to talk about things. You do not say how old you both are - if your friend has a father still, or other guardian or relative, I guess you have discussed your concerns with them as well?

You could find some leaflets about Anorexia (and/or bereavement) and give them to her to read in her own time, telling her that you are worried that she may be suffering in this way. Or you could even show her the question you have posted here, as you have expressed things so eloquently.

And the best thing you can do is exactly what you are doing - and thats being there for her, and you'll be ready to help her when she is ready to accept some help.
In the meantime, help her to find interest and fulfillment in other areas of life where the attention is not on or around food. What other interests and enjoyments does she have? Are there any activities she would enjoy doing that might give her a feeling of achievement and control that the food is giving her at present?

And it could be good for you to be able to talk to someone about the situation for yourself.You could try the National Eating Disorders Association free helpline on 800-931-2237. Im sure they will have helped lots of people in similar situations to you.

My very best wishes,

It'll be interesting to see if anyone else has some ideas for you.

Mat C